next to no knowledge of steak for this precise reason. We were apprehensive, even. How would we know what to order? Would cowboys be plastered all over the walls? What does 'medium-rare' actually mean?

Luckily for us, The River Bar is worlds away from the hunter-gatherer steakhouse image. And more to the point, the food is extraordinary.

Tucked away on the riverside, the restaurant is part of the boutique Varsity hotel. You arrive via an easily-overlooked bricked alleyway, giving it an exclusive feel, and then traverse a set of stairs to a space that's modern, stylish, and somehow still cosy. Low lights and unobtrusive trip-hop contrast with bare brick walls and portraits of kings and poets, and it is these figures who stare down at us as we are served with what our friendly waitress describes as "the biggest steak I've seen in my life".

Before we get to the food, some facts: the menu helpfully offers a short explanation next to each cut of beef, and each piece is priced on its flavour and texture, not size. As the largest steak on the menu, the mighty Porterhouse gives the best of the tenderloin and top loin cuts. One side is more tender, the other side more flavoursome. As one of the thickest and most expensive cuts available in fine steakhouses, the Porterhouse requires an experienced chef to make sure both sides are finished to a similar level of 'doneness'.

Unsure of how much room we'd need to leave for that 22oz Porterhouse, we nevertheless opt for the baked Camembert starter: a gorgeous goo served with onion relish and homemade bread for sharing. It turns out to be the first of the night's highlights.

Now, the fun part. The Porterhouse arrives sizzling on a rustic slab of wood, with potato wedges presented upright in copper containers. The staff take as much pride in the food as the chef does, and there is a 'wow' moment as we wonder how we'll finish the whole thing. No worries there - each side of the steak has the elusive melt-in-the-mouth quality so many pub steaks fail to yield. The meat falls away from the bone effortlessly. Coupled with the essential glass of Merlot (not too acidic - the perfect match for beef), the Porterhouse proves not only that steak is an art, but the chefs at The River Bar have it down to a tee.

Equally delicious is our other main course: a swordfish steak from the River Bar's extensive list of fish. We've eaten swordfish all over the world, and the piece at The River Bar was up to Mediterranean standard; flaky and thick, with garlic green beans and soft strips of grilled red pepper making an enjoyable, healthy alternative to the usual chunky chips. Neither of the main courses are overloaded with side dishes, making the meat the main event, and the comfortable, intimate vibe of the restaurant encourages diners to lean across the table and try their partners' dishes.

We still don't know how we managed to fit in anything else - but after our gorgeous starter and main course, we couldn't resist sampling The River Bar's desserts. We brought our evening to a close with a sweet creme brulee, and a satisfying pot of dark chocolate topped with a cone of chewy meringue. Admittedly, the desserts didn't blow us away - but they didn't need to. After those first two courses, a shot of sweetness was just what we needed to wind up the evening nicely.

The River Bar Steakhouse and Grill would make a steak lover of anyone, and we think - if only he could have climbed down from the wall - even Sir Isaac himself would agree.